Week of treatment #2

*Due to the graphic discriptions in this post. Reader descresion is advised.*
Its time for me to sit down and pound out another blog. I have known that I need to do this for a couple of days but I actually have been a little hesitant. As I said in one of my first blogs I am not someone who likes or wants ANY sympathy. That is not why we are doing this. We are writing this all down for a number of reasons: 1. It will make a good journal for looking back on this whole situation someday. 2. Keep our family and friends posted. 3. As kind of an education for others that have not been through this.
That is really why I am am going to put down all of my feelings from this last week. And, I have learned that unfortunately that I don't even share my feelings and thoughts enough with Shelly. I'm sorry. I just am not good at placing any of my weak burden on anyone. Even my terrific wife.
Anyway, back to the post. As we said last week was great. The cancer is really shrinking and I was feeling better than I have felt in months. I didn't realize what a toll the cancer was ravaging on my body. I went into this round of chemo, on Tuesday, in pretty good spirits. The chemo went pretty good. I noticed that this time my sense of smell and my reactions to the taste of some of the drugs was really heightened. The taste is a lot like the aftertaste of straight lemon juice. While that does not sound that bad, when it is combined with the nausea and the drugs going crazy in your body, even the thought of it right now makes me a little ill. Other than that the chemo went pretty smooth. I had a nice visit from Jimmy and Karen and I was really grateful that I took the time to shave my chest. The tape coming off wasn't bad at all.
Wednesday started out OK, but at about 3 I started puking my guts out. It went on for hours and it wasn't just little gags it was clean absolutely everything out my system. I couldn't even keep water down for more than a half hour. I actually got worried enough that I called my doctor to see what I could/should do. He told me to add some benadryl to the nausea medicine and if it was still bad in the morning to call him back. I really don't mind puking. I am the kind of person that if I eat something that doesn't sit right I will go in the bathroom and take care of it. I figure it is a lot better to do it that way then to be miserable while it works its way through my system. My biggest concern was how complete the episodes were and how I couldn't even keep anything down. I really was scared we were going to have to take me into the hospital and I was going to get hooked back up to the IV. I think even harder then that though was the psychological part. If it was going to get this bad how was I going to make it through this. Wednesday was REALLY hard on me that way.
There was really nothing at that point that Shelly was able to do for me, the kids were getting very restless, and we had been given tickets to the circus so Shelly loaded up the kids and the took off. I got a call about a 1/2 hour later that they were coming back home. As you have already read they all came home and they ALL were sick. It was a very long miserable night for all of us. Actually by about 10:30pm I was able to keep a little down and was feeling a little better. Oddly enough it brought my spirits up a little to have everyone sick because I realized that I wasn't sick from the chemo but I was sick from a bug.
Side bar: I learned this week that chemo sick and bug sick are VERY different. When I had the bug once I had the urge to throw up there was no stopping it and once I started I kept going until there was not a drop left in me. With the chemo the nausea comes in waves. There not so bad that you can't get trough them most of the time. If you do end up needing to get sick its not that bad. I usually retch a few times and most of the time it never really even produces that much vomit. It is never to the point that I am worried about getting dehydrated or malnourished etc. For me when it hits it is easier to excuse myself to the bathroom, let myself take care of it, and then I feel better and I can go on with what I was doing. Sorry about being graphic, but I thought it was an important distinction for me to make.
Thursday turned out to be pretty much a lay around day. Stomach cramps/bloated, very tired, and waves of nausea. Again Shelly was giving me a hard time about being pregnant. Friday I felt better and I had stuff that I HAD to get done at HotShots. So I went in and took care of a group that had a big reservation for a meeting, lunch (as good as Olive Garden normally is, even the smell of it was pretty bad), and a team building exercise. It went good but about half way through I really realized that I was not going to be able to make it out to FT Rucker for a BIG advertising event that I had scheduled for that night. I was already to whipped. I REALLY struggled with that. With HotShots struggling like it is right now HotShots NEEDS any and all advertising that I can come up with. So I went back and forth with getting someone to go with me to getting someone else to take my place...... But when it boiled down to it I could send a couple of guys out there to take space but that would be all they would be able to do (along with car troubles and a couple of other variables). If I wasn't able to go our time out there would not be very effective and it wouldn't be worth it. Unfortunately I was not able to suck it up so I had to cancel our participation in the event. This was another BIG psychological blow for me for the week.
Saturday was pretty good. I was able to put in a pretty good shift and felt decent all day(only a couple of waves of nausia and my stomach wasn't aching to bad). By the time I got home I was tired but able to hang out some with Shelly and the kids. I had been asked earlier in the week to teach a lesson at church and I really do enjoy teaching and it usaully pretty easy for me to throw something together. But as hard as I tried on Saturday I could not get my brain/thought together enough to do anything. I figured it would be better in the morning but it wasn't. Even through Sacrament meeting I couldn't get my brain to work. Again this was really hard for me. I felt like this is something I should/need to be doing and I can't. I really don't do well with that. Then as Sacrament went on it was Fast Sunday (for those of you who are not members that means that once a month our church sets aside a Sunday to fast, or to go with out food for 2 meals which we donate the money that we save as an offering to help those who are in need) Also on Fast Sundays during Sacrament meeting the time is set aside for the bearing of testimonies. This is an open format in which any one can stand up and bear a short testimony. One on the Sisters in our ward Sister Stinson has been battling cancer for the last couple of years has spent basically the last year and a half in Houston getting many treatments along with stem cell transplants. She has gone through so much more than I have. She is truly an inspiration for me. I don't know if I could do what she has done. Thankfully she is currently in remission and was able to come home this last week. As she stood there and bore her testimony of how blessed she is and how she would do it again because of the blessings it has brought here I got very emotional. I guess I really threw myself a pity party. I know that I have had it pretty easy so far. I know that I am going to beat this. But if I am getting this down over having an upset stomach, a little nausea, mouth sores(oh yes, another wonderful treat), and not being able to work as hard as normal this early on, and she is so strong after ALL that she has gone through. How in the world am I going to make it. More than physically, physiologically this week has been really tough. I know some how I am going to get through it what other options do I have.

All of that being said. Tonight I am felling much better. I have talked about all of this with Shelly and my parents. I know I need to better at that. This is not something that I can handle as an island. I need to talk. I am also thankfull for all of the kind thoughts and prayers. They really do bouy me up. I also am feeling much better today, no real nausia, and I was able to eat pretty normal. Hopefully the same pattern that I had last time holds true and I should wake up tomorrow feeling good and have a really good week.

Enough for one night. Good night
Burke